It’s Time I Flu Away

I could have picked a better time to travel to an international airport and stay inside it for over three hours. At a time when tortilla crisp sales are surely on the wane and pork is not flavour of the month, I’m leaving my Mexican sombrero at home and heading to Heathrow airport early Tuesday morning for my 9 a.m flight to Thailand.

If anyone sneezes in Terminal 3 they’ll be the last one standing as everyone else hits the deck and the tannoy announces ” Would the person stood up in Terminal 3 please wear their facemask at all times.”

I’ll be heading for the guest lounge (pictured right) and making myself as isolated and comfortable as possible. Once on the aircraft avoiding any bugs and viruses means you really are on a wing and a prayer.

Being an avid fan of obscure theories and in possession of a carbon footprint that would scare a yeti, I have naturally come up with a swine flu and air travel theory. Due to the nature of their profession air stewardesses are the most liable carriers of the H1N1 virus, so I’ll sit right at the back. Sitting at the rear of the aircraft ensures the stewardesses can only approach me face on.

A sneeze travels at 90 mph and with the aeroplane travelling at about 600 mph any sneeze from the “trolley dolly” will journey about half of a metre and be forced backwards by the speed of the plane. Simple. The elite first class passengers should have a smooth take off, have the sniffles flying over Germany and be carried off by white suited medical staff at Abu Dhabi. End of theory.

Apparently Thailand are issuing facemasks to all tourists and taxi drivers in the fight against swine flu but being a gentleman I’ll give mine to Wonderful Wi or to be more honest because it’s easier to smoke without one. The taxi will be heading to Pattaya and once there we’ll book into our usual hotel and head out into a city that takes pity on no one.

Pattaya is to be home for Wilai and myself for the first four days of our holiday and I can hear many of you groaning already. Pattaya is a good place for a short stay in Thailand but you do need to know the lie of the land. The rule of thumb concerning Pattaya is the further you travel away from the beach the less vulgarity you’ll see. We’ll be staying a good 30 minute walk from Pattaya beach, which surely rates as one of the worst stretches of sand in a country that hosts some of the best beaches in the world.

From Pattaya we will be moving on up to Udon Thani and a much more relaxed way of life. A night or two will be spent in the city and then it’s time to rent a car and spend ten or so days in the village giving me my first meet with the Buffalo Boys. Pattaya, Udon Thani and village life all give the chance to work on a couple of blog projects I have in mind.

I’m also planning to once again take lots of photos but this time mostly with Wi’s shocking pink Sanyo camera, a far superior one to my cheap Vivitar 8010. I had hoped to buy a quality camera for this trip but with the extra holiday expense that comes with a strong baht that has been put on hold. I just pray that the banknotes I used to purchase my Vivitar turned out to be as blurry as the images the camera produces. Now that would be sweet justice. Posting next time from Pattaya. Chok dee krap.

Credits

Photograph Heathrow Airport by nakedsky

Photograph Bad Guy Pattaya by chrisada