One Giant Leap Backwards – Thai Style American Breakfast

I hope this post doesn’t upset any of my American readers because they make up a large percentage of Beyond The Mango Juice’s hits. I pray to God and Barack Obama that you do not judge and condemn me for a crime, but instead praise me for educating the American nation about the real reason Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were so keen to exit earth and land on the Moon…..They couldn’t face another American breakfast.

Many years ago I tried a Thai style American breakfast, I was desperate for food after a night’s partying in Pattaya and the hotel I was staying in had a very poor breakfast choice. The meal I ordered was like the one pictured above which is normally served with two slices of ham and a small serving of jam. I think the jam is to keep the flies away from the breakfast.

America, I want to ask you if your citizens really eat this for breakfast, because I believe it is a great insult to one of England’s greatest inventions and exports, a full English breakfast. If your boiled hot dogs, eggs, sweet bread, jam and anorexic ham are so wonderful why didn’t Neil Armstrong say:

“Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Ham has landed.”

I reckon Neil and Buzz got together one morning and whilst sharing a liquified American breakfast decided to rewrite the script.

Here’s a picture of a truly nourishing breakfast, English style.

Game set and match and you now know where the term junk food came about. America.

It’s now time to name and shame a famous American blogger.

Talen, author of the very popular blog Thailand, Land of Smiles, had this to say about a post I wrote a few months back which outlined the merits of a full English breakfast.

“….Never been much of a breakfast eater and while I have seen my fair share of English Brekkies I just can’t for the life of me figure out how you judge presentation…even the best English Breakfast looks like someone threw it at the plate from the other side of the kitchen….”

Talen, your comment sent a nation into outrage and wounded three lions. Make that two, as I think Tony Blair sold one to some up and coming African country. I know from inside information your views caused heated debate in Westminster’s Houses of Parliament, and a SAS breakfast time raid on your Pattaya apartment was only thwarted by the special ops hot dog guns jamming. Please don’t bother applying for a UK visa because your chances of success are thinner than your country’s ham.

Talen, if someone threw an American breakfast across my kitchen I’d grab a floor mop not a plate.

The Eighth Wonder of the World

The Taj Mahal and Great Wall of China are listed as two of the Seven Wonders of the World. I’m a lucky man because years ago in Pattaya I saw the eighth.

I was in a hotel restaurant and a farang and his Thai girlfriend sat down at the table next to me and ordered breakfast. Two American breakfasts. I watched in awe and wonderment as the Thai lady buttered both pieces of toast, spread jam on them, then placed eggs on top. Every mouthful she took I found myself mimicking her motions as I chewed her every chew. The Eighth Wonder of the World, eggs and jam on toast. Even an England football hooligan wouldn’t stoop that low.

Three days ago in Chiang Mai I once again witnessed the world’s eighth wonder and this time it was delivered by Wonderful Wi. It was an act of betrayal from someone who is very close to me. I didn’t say a word but was deeply hurt when she did exactly the same the next morning when the hotel served the breakfast with ham as well.

You can click on the photograph to enlarge it if you wish but I think you can clearly see jam on the toast. What more proof do you need that Barack Obama and his American citizens should be brought before a World Criminal Court and charged with cruelty to breakfast plates.

I’d like to finish this post by going back to Neil and Buzz because I have unearthed a transcript from the Apollo 11 Moon landing mission which has never been published before. America has kept this quiet for years but here is the script from the moment Neil Armstrong unexpectedly told Houston Control they were heading back to earth earlier than planned.

“Houston, Tranquillity Base here. We’ve run out of English bacon and black pudding. We’re coming home”.

Would I lie to you, I promise it’s true.

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I'm a sixty-year-old Englishman living in the town of Swindon in rural Wiltshire and I have a real deep desire to retire in Thailand one day. If you don't have a dream then you won't have a dream come true.

21 Responses

  1. Mike says:

    Martyn was it just coincidence that your post arrived in my in box at the same time as one offering fake watches?

    On my recent trip to KK I made the unfortunate mistake of ordering an American breakfast exactly as per your photo, except my toast was less well cooked(normal Thai style). Indeed my adopted niece was heard to ask for the marmalade to spread on her rice soup 😉

    The next day she had a similar offering and promptly followed WW’s example!

  2. Martyn says:

    Mike I’d have thought Doy might have made toy soldiers or maybe monks to dip into her eggs. Marmalade or jam and eggs kind of turns my stomach over, then again ‘he who dares’.

    It’ll be a few years before I try another Thai style American breakfast.

    Shame about Forest although another year in the Championship might be better for them long term.

  3. talen says:

    Martyn, You and Cat have too high of an opinion of what can best be described as ….well, something that looks like you should be feeding it to barnyard animals 😛

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I have had a proper English breakfast and it tasted just fine but presentation isn’t it’s strong point and most Americans shudder at the thought of beans for breakfast.

    What the Thai’s pass off as a typical American breakfast is comical at best…if I went anywhere and ordered breakfast and they brought me that I would leave immediately. Obviously this is one the Thai’s got wrong.

    While not a perfect representation of a typical American breakfast this is a very good representation.

    Right now I’m seriously trying to picture the Queen sitting down to an English breakfast and for the life of me I can’t…

    Obviously cultural differences will never have us seeing eye to eye on the whole breakfast debate and that’s probably a good thing as eventually the whole fish & chips thing would come up and then I would really piss off the whole nation.

    I’ll give you guys this much…as ugly as an English breakfast is it ain’t Haggis so there is something to be said for that.

  4. Martyn says:

    Talen thanks for taking the post in the joking spirit it was intended and yours and Catherine’s comments have confirmed to me that American breakfasts are nothing like that. I hoped they wouldn’t be.

    The breakfast in your link looks very tasty to me, I could enjoy that. The link is pretty smart too, I clicked on it and it showed up as part of your comment. That’s neat.

    I still think the English breakfast looks quite well presented, maybe it’s the beans that put you off. Brits love baked beans on toast and call them ‘skinheads on a raft’.

    I’m quite partial to a good bit of haggis.

    Best wishes from Udon Thani.

  5. Lawrence says:

    Right now the Queen is sitting down to an Irish breakfast, which is the same only with black and WHITE pudding, whatever that is. I’ve had it and am still none the wiser.

    A great post, Martyn. I’m on your side, and the only thing probably un-American about the breakfasts you show is how small they are. Jam and egg on toast? What about peanut butter and jelly? Don’t ever take Wi to the US, that’s all.

  6. Martyn says:

    Lawrence I’ve never tried white pudding because I don’t like the look of it, yet the black variety I love.

    I’ve always thought peanut butter and jelly a strange combination but some people think my peanut butter combo is weird too. I like a peanut butter and cheddar cheese sandwich, give one a try you’ll be surprised how good it tastes.

    I’m heading back to Blighty late on Friday night.

  7. Kris says:

    Sorry, I can’t see the difference in the two meals. In both meals what amazes me is how the blazes do the Thais get a thinly sliced piece of bread then cut it in half, thickness wise again? I am trying to get 3 pieces of the local bread, glue them together, remove 98% of the sugar then toast it so I can enjoy a decent piece of toast with my egg, bacon, baked beans, tomato with black pepper, garlic and a couple of snags.
    Perhaps it is just my “convict” ancestry rising again!!

  8. Martyn says:

    Kris thanks for your contribution to my post. I know what you mean about some of the Thai bread, the sweet ones really don’t work for me.

    I think there’s one helluva a difference between how the two breakfasts look. One looks bland the other enticing.

    You’ve lost me with snags, is that Australian slang?

  9. Catherine says:

    Martyn, your post is hilarious and ever since Talen’s, expected 😀

    But seriously, the countries having those anaemic wieners at breakfast would be the Germans and their sidekicks, not the Americans.

    Red blooded Americans have sausages (a zillion kinds to choose from) and / or bacon (thin and crispy with fat, not the meaty thick stuff sans fat called Canadian bacon). Extra side dishes: pancakes, toast, biscuits (think scones not cookies), muffins, potatoes of some sort (hash browns, fried potatoes = chips). Green fried tomatoes and grits are also options but are not a given so I’d better stop there as I could go on and on…

  10. Martyn says:

    Catherine thanks for a positive review on my post and a wonderful summary of American breakfasts. European wieners… I don’t recall ever having a comment from a German even though I receive a few hits from there. Maybe they’re from UK servicemen who must love those German bangers.

    So far nobody has mentioned mushrooms in their comments, I’m a big lover of those and some of the Thai ones are tasty too. I’ve been told the best mushrooms in Thailand come from Tak but I don’t know how true that is.

  11. talen says:

    Martyn, I definitely think the beans are what puts off the presentation…Americans love beans but they are more of a dinner food. I have had a Thai version of the American breakfast and it was the same as your picture….you ever want to get a good American breakfast in Pattaya then head to the Pig and Whistle…maybe one day the best American franchise will come to Thailand, Denny’s…24 hour a day breakfast!

  12. Martyn says:

    Talen in all the time I’ve spent in Pattaya which is probably getting on for two years in total I’ve spent many a hour and baht in the Pig and Whistle. A great pub with fantastic food and the bar staff don’t hassle you. That’s saying something for a bar in Soi 7.

  13. Catherine says:

    Oh, and I forgot to add eggs…

  14. Martyn says:

    Catherine I must admit I cannot tell the difference between Thai eggs and UK eggs. I guess an egg is an egg but it depends what you do with it. Some of the village omelettes I’ve seen have looked very unedible.

  15. talen says:

    Martyn, Pig and Whistle does have great food.

    I have had a lot of Thai mushrooms…Mukdahan is a great growing regions for the smaller Thai mushrooms. I think the ones from take are the large thin ones which taste great…There is a Thai soup that is much like chicken noodle soup that has these mushrooms in it and it is the best stuff in the world.

  16. Martyn says:

    Talen the Tak mushroom quote came from Tak itself during the many times I visited there. I’m sure every Province makes similar claims about this and that. I like western mushroom soup, never tried any Thai variety but I’m sure I’d like the one you mention. I’m a very big fan of mushrooms.

    I must visit Mukdahan one day. Just done Chiang Mai, what a lovely city.

  17. Kris says:

    Yes Martyn. Snaggers, snags, surprise parcels (because you never know what’s in a sausage) or plain old sausage. I must admit the oily fried egg slapped onto a piece of skinny dried up supposedly toast does not appeal to me either. I don’t mind the occasional chipolata sausage and have not had and old favourite the “Wilstshire sausage” as I think it is called, for some time. One of the best American breakfasts I have ever had was when I was touring across the States and stopped in at a pancake place in South Carolina for breakfast. I didn’t want pancakes but I was so hungry I needed something to eat. To my surprise and pleasure I ended up with bacon, eggs, beans, toast and an actual hot coffee!! The cook/chef was unbelievable, he remembered everything the patrons ordered and indeed corrected one of the waitresses when she wrote an order slightly wrong.

  18. Hi Martyn, I never liked beans with my fry up. Since turning vegetarian though the beans would be one of the few things I could eat on the plate. These days I eat a Minburi breakfast – toast and Marmite. On special days I eat toast with Marmite and peanut butter.

  19. DanPloy says:

    None of those breakfasts do anything for me.

    But if we are talking smoked kippers, kedgeree, scrambled eggs with smoked salmon or corned beef hash with lashings of Tabasco, well you have my attention.

    And coming up fast is ‘Moo pad bai krapow kai dow mai suk’ with lashings of prik nam pla. There is a small place near here that takes that to a new level.

  20. Snap says:

    Martyn, I’m statying out of the brekkie debate…but, I kind of feel sorry for the pizzas over here though!

  21. Martyn says:

    Kris, Paul, DanPloy and Snap

    Sorry for my extremely late reply but your comments arrived toward the end of my stay in Thailand and travelling home.

    Kris – So a snag is a sausage, I’d never have guessed that but the surprise parcel bit makes sense. The ‘Wiltshire sausage’, I’m back in the UK now and I live in Wiltshire though I’ve never really heard about our sausages getting world acclaim. I quite like the sound of American pancakes and syrup.

    Paul – I like marmite and peanut butter but I’ve never tried them together. I couldn’t imagine an English fry up without some beans on the plate.

    DanPloy – I haven’t had smoked kippers for many a year, why I don’t know because they make for an excellent breakfast with some heavily buttered bread alongside. I must admit Thai food doesn’t appeal to me for breakfast. Brunch maybe.

    Snap – I’m not a big lover of pizza but I don’t dislike like them either. I’d rather eat a slice or two for breakfast than tackle any Thai food, in fact I have occasionally bought those pizza slices you get in 7-Eleven and had one as my first bite of the day.

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