A Little Bit of England – A Letter to David Cameron

A Little Bit of England is one of the categories in the table of contents on Beyond The Mango Juice and from time to time I like to post something which is Thailand related but has taken place here in the UK. This post fits perfectly into my category title but unfortunately hasn’t the slightest bit of relevance to Thailand at all but nonetheless I thought I’d share it with you anyway.

It’s an email I received which gave me a real good laugh and I hope it might bring a smile to your face too.

Its content is about solving Britain’s economic woes, the plight of UK pensioners, the luxuries prison inmates enjoy and…..cows.

Dear Mr.. Cameron

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK’s economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance pay for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Result: Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage.
Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university.
Crime rate fixed.

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week …..
And there’s your money back in duty/tax etc.

It can’t get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.


Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, fitness room, spiritual counselling, eight-ball pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free on request.

Private secure rooms for all with an outdoor exercise yard with gardens.

Each senior could also have a PC, TV,  radio, games console and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.


The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. It would be lights off at 8pm and showers once a week.  They’d live in a tiny room and pay £600 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this one too:


Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track down a single cow born in the village of Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each foreign visitor to the UK a cow.

Heathrow and Gatwick airports might smell a bit from all those cows roaming about but at least their Costa coffee shops would never run out of milk.

Myself and Beyond The Mango Juice are heading off to Heathrow next week to once again spread our wings and fly to Thailand. In the meantime I hope you’ve enjoyed my Little Bit of England.



I'm a sixty-year-old Englishman living in the town of Swindon in rural Wiltshire and I have a real deep desire to retire in Thailand one day. If you don't have a dream then you won't have a dream come true.

11 Responses

  1. Catherine says:

    Martyn, this post is brilliant. I read it to the man (also concerned about the UK) and he was impressed too. He even mentioned that you should send it to a newspaper. A Letters to the Editor sort of deal. Well done!

  2. Martyn says:

    Catherine I can hardly lay claim to the material being my own even though I have tweaked the email a little bit. I’m glad you enjoyed the read and the man too.

  3. Mike says:

    Martyn, very funny and very appropriate as I continue to enjoy the delights of the “old country.”
    Just been out on a bike ride where I was not gasping for oxygen and sweating like a pig…..luxury. I did spot several cows or possible illegals along the way though 😉

  4. Martyn says:

    Mike I thought maybe this one might give you a reminder to check out flights back to Bangkok, one way that is.

    If you keep peddling that bike fast enough there’s every chance you won’t have to ever stay in one of those jail type nursing homes.

  5. Lawrence says:

    Nice one, Martyn. However, I took a look at Dartmoor Prison recently (from the outside) and frankly I’d rather stay out in the open with the cows. One other point: how do you define a ‘British car’ these days? I do ride around on a Raleigh bike, though. I’d think that should qualify me for some sort of patriotism award.

  6. Martyn says:

    Lawrence maybe a few of the older locals might take up residence of Dartmoor Prison if this letter gets through to the PM. The suggestions in it do make a lot of sense and at my age I won’t say no to a million quid either.

    I think you need to add a bit of Sir Walter to your Raleigh bike British bit and smoke some cigarettes to properly qualify.

  7. Catherine says:

    Martyn, my apologies (I’m ALWAYS apologising)… I missed this bit… “It’s an email I received which gave me a real good laugh and I hope it might bring a smile to your face too.”

  8. Martyn says:

    Catherine I thought you might have missed that bit, sadly the work is not mine apart from the odd tweak here and there.

  9. tom yam says:

    I really enjoyed this post. It contains some really good ideas.
    If only !!

  10. Snap says:

    Martyn, an amusing email 🙂 and most could (should) be applied to my own country. I really like the cow idea!

  11. SBJ Associates says:

    Brilliant post! I was laughing when you wrote about how they could track exactly where the cows were 3 years ago but had no idea about the illegals wandering around all over the place. Very entertaining read!

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